Exercising My Power of Choice...

The greatest hinderance in exercising my power of choice has historically been rooted in fear.

I can remember being very young and wanting a puppy.  My Dad didn't want me to have the puppy and made a great argument for why I couldn't have one.  Despite everything he said, I begged and begged until he finally agreed.

His agreement came with a contingency.  I, at roughly eight years old, would be totally responsibly for the puppy.  I was charged with cleaning up after him, feeding him, and whatever else owning a puppy entailed.

Of course, being that young, I had no idea what I was committing to.  All I knew was I was getting a new, beautiful and chubby little friend with whom I would enjoy hours of endless play.  So...we brought the puppy home that night from my aunt's house.  I don't even remember naming him at that point.

The next morning I was awakened to my puppy's yelps and my father informing me I needed to get up and clean up the mess he made in various places around the house.  I complied.

I remember spending the entire day playing with my new friend until the early afternoon.  At some point, I remember feeling very tired and needing to take a nap.  Considering that I had to clean up after the cute and cuddly ball of fur several times already that day, I had the ingenious idea of tying his leash to my father's car door so that he couldn't get away.

When I woke up in the early afternoon, my Dad asked where the puppy was.  I proudly told him that he was outside and safely tied to the car door handle.  I'll never forget the dread that flooded my heart when my father informed me that my beloved puppy was not where I just knew I left him.  My heart pounded loudly and rhythmically in my chest.  I knew that if the puppy was missing that I was in big trouble.

After what seemed like hours of looking for the puppy in and around our house and yard, the car and neighborhood I decided that I would hid from my father until dark then run away so I wouldn't have to face the consequences of my choice to asking to have the puppy in the first place.  That night, my father punished me for "losing the puppy" and insisting on making a choice against his wise counsel.

So how does this all relate to exercising my power of choice?  It wasn't until thirty plus years later while processing why I find it so difficult to make decisions that I realized there was a correlation.

When I look back over my life, it seems that I had many experiences where I made a choice that resulted in dire consequences.  However, that single interaction with my father marked me in such a way that I learned to loathe exercising my power of choice.

For years I carried the shame (in my view) of disobeying and disappointing my father.  I was simply paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice and suffering the consequences.  The interesting thing about choices is that life is full of choices.  Can you imagine the inner turmoil I endured over my lifetime?

On April 1st of this year, I started a leaving of absence due to medical reasons.  When I initially went on leave, I thought it might be for six to eight weeks.  However, it didn't quite turn out that way.   As time progressed, it became apparent that I would need to make some important life choices for my well being.

I've always hated making choices.  Choosing is NOT something that I've looked forward to as far back as I can remember.  The majority of the time I can manage to wiggle out of having to make a choice.  However in this situation, I found myself having to make a clear and definite choice.  There seemed no way around it.  

Although I knew in my head facing the issues was in my best interest, everything else in me want to run and not look back.  The reality is that one choice would send my life down a pretty familiar and predictable road - one I already knew might not be best for me - while the other would take me on a journey through of faith and unfamiliar territory.  

How am I supposed to make a choice with these options?  Of course, my initial thought was to choose what was easiest and most logical...low hanging fruit right!  Besides, based my track record, who knows what dire consequences I would face if I made a wrong choice.

Should I make the choice that seems easy or safest?  Or should I chose what was best for me and trust God in the process?  At the end of the day I recognize that exercising my power of choice is a privilege and a gift...one that I will no longer take for granted.  Period.  End of story.

I'm not that same little girl who hid in the wooded area down the street from my house because I was terrified to face such unreasonable consequences after making a reasonably good choice.  I simply wanted a puppy and should have never paid such a high price for a relatively simple mistake.

I can no longer allow the fear of making a wrong choices continue to paralyze me into making the worst possible choice, that is, making no choice at all.  Honestly, what's the worst that could happen?  That I would be wrong?  What IF I were wrong?  Would I stop breathing?  Would my heart stop beating?  Would I cease to exist altogether?  Would the world come to an end?  No.  It's highly unlikely.

I often refer to myself as a WIP (Work In Progress).  The fear of choice has been a great obstacle to my being free and living an authentic life.  I look forward to feeling at peace with my choices whether good or bad.   I know I will be okay.

This journey of discovering, embracing and evolving into my authentic self is underfoot.  I'm finding my way back2basics:  spirit.soul.body...